11-16: israfil & as sur. 8:30 PM

i want to be a better muslim. a muslim with not only knowledge, but spiritual intelligence, fortitude, and curiosity. i let my anger and disappointment overwhelm me this week. i allowed poor khushoo and outside thoughts invade my prayer. i want to be at peace. this ramadan is definitely a struggle and i have been asking Allah for forgiveness. i want to worship not out of fear and not as a barterer expecting favor in return; rather, i want to worship purely out of love. i want my motivation for prayer to be love not fear. i want to walk in this dunya overwhelmed by the love i give and not be so concerned about the love i receive.

israfil & as sur. inshaAllah the kiraman katibin--raqib wa atid have on good things to write.

10: lists & ahi ahi. 9:40 PM

i think that it is best and easiest to not try and link all of my thoughts. lists give me the freedom to organize my reflections without necessary connecting all the discrete ideas and passages to one another.

1. 'men who celebrate the praises of God, standing, sitting, and lying down on their sides, and contemplate the (wonders of) creation in the heavens and the earth (with the thought): 'our lord! not for naught hast thou created (all) this! glory to thee! [surah al-'imran, 191]

2. 'if the ocean were ink (wherewith to write out) the words of my lord, sooner would the ocean be exhausted than wold the words of my lord, even if we added another ocean like it, for its aid.' [surah al kahf, 109]

3. Allah talks a lot about those who barter eternal peace in al-akhirah for the illusions of the dunya. i am intrigued by the merchant/trader language. He even talks about the 'miserable profit' (2:174) -- 'those who purchase unbelief at the price of faith, not the least harm will they do to God, but they will have a grevious punishment.' (3:177), '...and vile was the price for which they did sell their souls, if they knew!' (2:102), 'there are the people who buy the life of this world at the price of the hereafter; their penalty should not be lightened, nor shall they be helped' (2:86), 'and believe in what i reveal, confirming the revelation which is with you, and be not the first to reject faith therein, nor sell my signs for a small price; and fear me, and me alone.' (2:41), 'these are they who have bartered guidance for error: but their trafic is profitless, and they have lost true direction.' (2:16)

today, where everything has become commodified, even prayer (buy a prayer) and spirituality, the notion of bartering and profit within the practice of religion carries even more meaning. maybe at a mere semantics level, i am curious as to why Allah used the merchant metaphor to articulate the chose of dunya over akhirah.

4. 'so also did we show abraham the power and the laws of the heavens and the earth, that he might (with understanding) have certitude. when the night covered him over, he saw a star: he said: "this is my lord." but when it set, he said: "i love not those that set." when he saw the moon rising in splendour, he said: "this is my lord." but when the moon set, he said: "unless my lord guide me, I shall surely be among those who go astray." when he saw the sun rising in splendour, he said: "this is my lord; this is the greatest (of all)." but when the sun set, he said: "o my people! i am indeed free from your (guilt) of giving partners to Allah. "for me, i have set my face, firmly and truly, towards Him who created the heavens and the earth, and never shall i give partners to Allah."' [surah al anaam 75-79]

from a july 26 facebook posting: after watching the sunset yesterday i reflected on how Allah creates so much beauty. i am just a humbled witness to all of this. i spent about 10 minutes earlier in day watching an ant carry it's tiny body across my hands. with all this beauty we at times fall into error. we begin to worship the beauty itself rather than the He who created such beauty.

5. iftar tonight--low on protein so i had some ahi ahi fish. it didn't taste very good, but at least i got a protein boost.

4-9: the worship of traders, alienation, and shrinking stomachs. 12:27 AM

i apologize for the absence. this year, ramadan began just as teaching began and it has been impossible to do anything but work-pray-eat. tonight marks the ninth night of ramadan and i am busily trying to catch on my the juz i missed two nights ago. today, the heat was oppressive. it just sagged, heavy and such. as much as i fought i midday nap, i surrendered and slept as my fan blew warm air. i will share some disconnected thoughts on worship, alienation etc.


1. the worship of traders: i have been listening to ustadh abdullah ali's 'the essentials of faith' from zaytuna's distance learning course. i really enjoy the cadence of his voice. he made several insightful points, but the one that heavily resonated with me was his commentary on categories of intentions and worship. in providing daleel for his insight, he referenced first hadith:

FIRST HADITH

From the Amir al-Muminin Abu Hafs 'Umar ibn al-Khattab, radiya'llahu 'anhu, that he said, "I heard the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, saying, 'Actions are only by intentions, and every man has only that which he intended. Whoever's emigration is for Allah and His Messenger then his emigration is for Allah and His Messenger. Whoever's emigration is for some worldly gain which he can acquire or a woman he will marry then his emigration is for that for which he emigrated'." The two Imams of the hadith scholars narrated it - Abu Abdullah Muhammad ibn Isma'il ibn Ibrahim ibn al-Mughirah ibn Bardizbah al-Bukhari and Abu'l-Husein Muslim ibn al-Hajjaj ibn Muslim al-Qushayri an-Naysaburi - in their two sahih books which are the most sahih books compiled.

in ustadh abdullah ali's commentary, he discussed three kinds of worship and intention: worship of slaves, worship of traders, and worship of love. in imam an-nawawi 'the complete forty hadith,' nawawi commentary is along the lines of ustadh abdullah ali's:

The hadith indicates that intention is the measure for rendering actions true, so that where intention is sound action is sound, and where it is corrupt then action is corrupt.

Wherever there is action accompanied by intention, then there are three states:

First, that one does it out of fear of Allah ta'ala, and this is the worship of slaves.

Second, that one does it seeking the Garden and reward, and this is the worship of traders.

Third, that one does it out of modesty and shame before Allah ta'ala, discharging the right of service and discharging [the duty of] gratitude, seeing oneself along with that falling short, and along with that one's heart is fearful because one does not know whether one's action is accepted or not. This is the worship of free people, and the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, indicated it when 'A'ishah, radiya'llahu 'anha, said to him, when he stood at night until his two feet swoll, "Messenger of Allah, why do you impose this upon yourself whilst Allah has forgiven you your earlier errors and any later ones? " He said, "Shall I not be a grateful slave?"

If it is said, "Is it better to worship with fear or with hope?" It must be said, "Al-Ghazali said, may Allah show mercy to him, 'Worship with hope is better because hope causes love and fear causes despair'." read more

there are some days when i know i worship due to fear, many others when i worship as a trader. inshaAllah i began to worship and behave out of love. there is an emptiness that consumes me when i know i made those rakats because i feared hell fire, rather than because i love Allah and the beauty that is born in those moments of sujood.


2. nurturing a relationship with Allah: this morning, i realized something: subconsciously or not, we spend far too much of our life seeking the love and affection of another in this dunya. unlike our relationships with human beings, Allah's standards and expectations are constant, transparent, readily accessible. without hidden surprises, implied meaning, growing closer to your creator is much easier than we've imagined. but, why do we devote so little time to nurturing this relationship? it seems that to truly and deeply love Allah, you must render other relationships of limited significance. how many of us are willing to do this considering the alienation that will surely develop.


3. the beauties of alienation: i am reminded of a sufi aphorism from ibn ata’illah:

When He alienates you from his creatures, then know that He wants to open for you the door to intimacy with Him.

this aphorism draws me toward a moment of calm and reflection. alienation is traditionally looked at as a negative state, rather than an opportunity to grow closer to Allah. sometimes we do not recognize the need to nurture our relationship with Allah because we are distracted. Allah takes away those distractions one by one until we have nothing left. we are then reminded of the ephemeral nature of this dunya and the permanency of Him, His love, and His mercy. we are reminded that we can only rely on Him.


4. the true believer: “none of you [truly] believes until he wishes for his brother what he wishes for himself.” 40 Hadith. considering this, are there any true believers? how many of us want from our brother or sister what we wish for ourselves?


5. the incredible shrinking stomach: i broke fast today, saying 'allahumma laka sumtu wabika a manty wa'alaika tawakaltu, wa'ala rizquka afartu' or 'o Allah, i fasted for your sake. i believed in You and relied on You and i break my fast on your provisions.' after i made this du'a i was so excited to eat, but i have noticed a substantial decrease in my appetite. suhoor is difficult because i do not feel like eating and iftar is forceful because the smallest amount of food makes me full. today, i drank a glass of water and ate a few berries and i was suddenly full. around midnight, i forced myself to eat. i feel sick.

iftar #9: protein shake, honest tea, blackberries, raspberries & orange slices.

suhoor: hemp seed granola, rice milk, black berries.

iftar #4: blue chips & francessi.

3: his body swallowed bullets & pluots were sliced. 6:15 PM

Innalil lahi wa inna ilaihi rajiun, to Allah we belong and to Him is our return.

my auntie has a photo album with nothing but obituaries from the 70s.

i tried to write last night, but had some difficulty. tired, mentally and physically. i also didn't know what to say. my cousin, brandon jamal perrry was shot and killed on saturday night. shot in the head. his sister is in critical condition. this is the night after ricardo cortez, jr. was shot and killed outside my masjid as i was reading surah baqarah.

Then around 11:45 p.m. in Hyde Park, one was killed and four were injured after a rifle wielding suspect exited a car and began shooting at a group of people standing in front of a home on the 6400 block of South 7th Street. 17-year-old Brandon Jamal Perry was shot in the face and later died. Two others were transported to the hospital and one was treated and released at the scene. read more

in other news, i had lentil tacos & sliced pluots. food doesn't seem so important when all of this happens.

2: gunshots, akhirah, and lentils. 11:33 PM

last night, i went down to oakland for taraweeh prayer. there were about six of us inside the masjid either finishing maghrib prayer of starting a juz when we hear loud music. moments later i hear what sounds like firecrackers...ya Allah, i wish they were firecrackers. i wait for my dad to finish his juz and as we begin to walk outside we hear police sirens. when we walk down the street there is a boy lying on the ground. covered in blood. it is a boy, not a man. my dad said he'd never seen anything like it. everyone was frantic...lots of crying and yelling. yellow tape everywhere, shell casings. we finally went back inside to make isha'a and taraweeh.

i am reading the newspaper now...14 year old ricardo cortez jr. was pronounced dead. he would have been a sophomore at far west high. ya Allah, have mercy on him. i cried/am crying. you know, right around 8:45 when he was shot, i was planning to walk around the corner to get some crackers because i was feeling a bit hungry. Allah knows best. had i walked, i would have witnessed this shooting first-hand and may have become a victim myself.

i don't have much to say now. ricardo's death puts a bit of a damper on my mood. as i am too mentally exhausted to type more, i will share a gchat conversation that was initiated in response to my facebook status message about taking advantage of these ramadan days:

o*: What did u mean by take advantage of these days exactly
me: make as make prayer and dua as possible
repent as much as possible
learn to love as much as possible
if these were ur last 30 days in dunya, how might they be spent
to secure a place in jannah

o*: Why's it gotta be all that?

me: it doesnt have to be all that for u
but that is what it is for me

o*: But how come
I agree u are 100% correct
I just wanna pick ur brain a lil

me: i think we are too wedded to this dunya. and the only way to make us more concerned abt al-akhirah is to constantly have death and hereafter in our minds. i was thinking abt the best time to die--and its during ramdan

or in sujood

but in some state of explicit ibadah

how can you not be forgiven

how you u not have mercy granted

o*: That's the deepest thing I've ever heard
But I really don't like thinking about death
That's not a healthy way to live

me: maybe not death, but hereafter
i think that is healthy

o*: I hate it

me: i remember the kind of person i was when i was living for this dunya
and i know the kind of person i am when i think abt the hereafter
and i like the latter more

o*: How are we not supposed to be wedded to this dunya?
Sometimes I think its unfair the cards we are dealt
With temptation and brainwashing and propaganda
The mind is capable of too much
And is too curious

these internets can facilitate some meaningful conversations. i am glad he messaged me...i needed to articulate this somehow.

my first day of fasting went beautifully. i read my juz before sunrise and read some of haykal's the life of muhammad a few hours ago.

iftar was lovely. you can look at the fruits of my labor below. lentil stew, brown rice, spinach, and wheat toast w/hummus. for desert--vegan oatmeal raisin cookie, green smoothie, and sliced nectarines. and lots of water.

the first night of ramdan began with the death of a youth, so i pray the end of ramadan is blessed with a beautiful birthing of some sort.

1: the beautiful hunger-the beautiful struggle. 2:47 PM

salaams everyone and ramadan mubarak to those who have already begun the observance of this beautiful month. i want to remind everyone that this is the month to reflect--listen more than you speak:

i should sell my tongue and buy a thousand ears/when that one steps near and begins to speak.--rumi

since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening.--rumi

i have started a blog with the intention of separating my ramadan thoughts from my other thoughts. i usually do not like the compartmentalization of my discourse because it feels contrived, but i think this will be a useful distinction. each day i will post two things: (1) reflection and (2) photo(s). this blog is called the 'beautiful hunger' because as is noted near the header, 'ramadan increases your physical hunger. more importantly, it nurtures as well as sustains a spiritual hunger for reflection and renewal. this is the most beautiful hunger.' ramadan is not solely about fasting from food, but from the bad habits that cause us to surrender our best selves. this blog is also called 'beautiful hunger' in relation to martin luther king jr's 'beyond vietnam' speech where he says:

We must move past indecision to action. Now let us begin. Now let us rededicate ourselves to the long and bitter, but beautiful struggle for a new world.

ramadan is a beautiful hunger and thus a beautiful struggle. we struffle toward better selves and a better world. i envision ramadan as the personalized revolution that puts you in the best disposition to have both the courage and insight to change society. when we cleanse our bodies, we also cleanse our minds.

for this ramadan, there have been two strands of preparation. first, there has been the cooking and cleaning. i cooked a huge pot of lentil stew, baked vegan oatmeal raisin cookies (and loaf), made a green/spinach smoothie, and sliced up fruit. i also cleaned my whole apartment putting up new curtains, organizing books, and generally creating an uncluttered space where i can be at peace for prayer and reflection. second, there was the more spiritual preparation which included letting go of a lot of negative feelings, reconciling any bad relationships, and making space in my heart for renewal.

i believe this ramadan will be a good one. the main struggle will be to maintain my schedule. far to often, we make time for everything else except prayer and reflection. i made a very detailed schedule which i intend to follow. i do not plan to stay at work longer than necessary and i will not waste my time in fruitless pursuits and inconsequential activities. i have three main goals this ramadan: (1) read the qur'an in its entirety (2) improve my khushoo and (3) read haykal's the life of muhammad. i also want to reread ulum al-quran and some works by al-ghazali.

tonight, i am going with my pops up to oakland to do the moon sighting. i have not sighted the moon myself since i was a young girl on the porch with my father.

i am excited about this ramadan, and inshaAllah you are as well. i have been in a beautiful and loving mood. i pray that ramadan further nurtures this disposition.

for basic info on the month of ramadan, tajuddin b. shu` 'essentials of ramadan, the fasting month' text is online here. for a more brief description, you can visit aaminah and mai'a collaborative ramadan blog here.